Happiness

How many people can say that they are truly happy on their own? And truly is the operative word here, because “I’m truly happy on my own” is different to “Just f*ck off, I’m not a sad singleton, I don’t need anyone, I’m happy on my own” said in an ever so slightly defensive manner. For those of you in long term relationships, “happy on my own” can not be qualified with “well I was single for a year when I was 19 and yes I was happy” because the difference between who you are at 19 and who you are at 29 is huge. I’m not saying relationships are a cop out…or suggesting we should leave Mr Right, in pursuit of single-minded happiness. No I’m not saying that at all, because even in a relationship you can still lay claim to “I am truly happy on my own” for despite being one half of a pair, you are still ultimately alone. Nothing is guaranteed in this life, except that you have yourself until death do thee part from thyself. So if you are truly happy within yourself and your partner is an added bonus, congratulations! I think you may well have cracked it!

But everyone who feels happy should examine that feeling carefully; does it truly come from within you? Or is it reliant on someone or something?

Recently I received an email from a close friend who had been to see a mutual friend of ours who has just given birth. My emailing friend announced that baby was big and bouncy and ‘mummy’ looked…truly happy. I pondered this announcement for a moment, it jarred with me but I didn’t know why. Then it struck me. ‘Mummy’ has not been happy for years. She has struggled desperately with depression and feelings of self-doubt. She has been on anti-depressants, drunk too much at times, struggled with direction in finding a job and about two and half years ago, suddenly met and married a man within six months who, it would seem, is as complicated and unhappy as she is. Am I to believe that now she has a baby, she is suddenly truly happy? Or, is it more likely that now she has a baby, she no longer needs to concentrate on her own happiness and the relief has allowed her a tentative joy? OK, so the counter argument here is that maybe, it doesn’t matter that it took having a baby to make her happy? But babies grow up and go to school and mummies get their time back, time to ponder their happiness and well being and deep rooted anxieties rarely disappear on their own… Furthermore, how do we make our kids happy, if we never learnt the secret of happiness ourselves? Do we just tell them to go and procreate because that’s how we found it?

It’s not just babies. We might pour our life energy into our careers, our hobbies, our friends, our family, making money, our boyfriends… or our pursuit of a boyfriend. But it’s never quite enough… ever. We’re so busy in our pursuit of happiness that we forget to actually be happy. A few years ago, if someone said I’d be working on a global advertising account on the money that I’m earning now, I’d have said, wow that’d be great! What do I think of my job now? I don’t think I earn enough and I don’t think that I’m high enough up the career ladder for my age… that’s what I think. I have persecuted myself over my inability to get over KP and hold down a relationship since him. If someone tells me I’m pretty, I’ll reply “but I’m so spotty”. I’ll work myself into the ground to try and prove myself to my superiors and I’ll bend over backwards to make a man happy… because if I get recognition from my boss or my man…then I’ll be good enough won’t I? Then I’ll be happy… won’t I?

No. I won’t. Because I could wait forever for that recognition and it may never come. It’s a fact of life that you can move mountains for people and they’ll let you do it, but they won’t necessarily give you the recognition you want or the love you crave, just because you busted a gut moving that f*cking great big mountain. Furthermore, life can be tough at times. It can knock you sideways and you can’t always rely on the thing that makes you happy to pick up the pieces… especially if it’s the thing that makes you happy that has exited your life. The only way to deal with the crises, is to know even in your weakest moment that you are strong enough to be happy again and that you can achieve that mostly on your own (with a bit of help from your friends), if needs be.

So here’s the deal. I’m single and I need to be right now, because the minute a man I like comes into the equation, my pursuit suddenly becomes all about making him happy in the deluded sense that he'll love me for it and then I’ll be truly happy. So for a week I am resolutely single. The reason I am not suggesting six months, is because that would be putting undue pressure on myself and if I failed, I would then persecute myself for being useless at being single. Plus a week is a long time when you can’t remember the last time that you didn’t have at least one date in the week or at the very least a flirtatious phone call!! So, I am properly single for one week and I’m going to be alone with this person who's been with me consistently during these last 29 years. And maybe, I'll finally give myself some recognition and as a result, some happiness. And this is a small stepping stone, but one day, when I have a child of my own, hopefully, I’ll be able to set her/him on the right path to finding their own true happiness.