I know this isn’t something I should readily admit to, but my main goal in life since I was about 16 has been to find a husband. I went to university, as much to meet my ideal man, as to gain an English degree. And although I have mainly lived my life doing things that I enjoy, in everything I’ve done, there has always been a secret hope that Mr Right will be doing it too!
With my naïve hopefulness so cruelly crushed from such a young age, and instead of meeting a husband at university, I met a variety of arrogant, alcoholic rugby lads (probably more down to my own poor choice than anything else, but that’s another story!), I eventually accepted the possibility that I may never find my dream man, and consoled myself by forming a back-up plan.
Again, I know it sounds rather depressing that such a young (attractive!!) girl in her mid 20s should be making back-up plans, but as I had been on the husband hunt far earlier than most, perhaps my cynicism and disillusionment hit in earlier too. My back up plan has mainly consisted of living a fun single life, filled with friends, a great career and lots of exciting hobbies and interests – but most importantly is the part where I have a test-tube baby! My friends and family laugh when I tell them this is my plan, and tell me I shouldn’t joke about such things. But the truth is, I am deadly serious. Having a baby is as, if not more, important to me than having a man, and I don’t want to live my life worrying that I might miss out on both of my life’s ambitions. It scares me too much to believe I have to rely on someone else to fulfil my biggest need and would rather live my life knowing that I can take control of this myself – if need be.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have recently become involved with a nice young man, who I shall hereafter refer to as Mr Bridget. Much as I have always wanted a boyfriend, being so used to my single routine, I have been finding it hard to adjust. Also being such a blabber mouth and completely incapable of keeping anything to myself, I have of course, filled him in on all the details of my back-up plan, test-tube baby and all!
Mr Bridget brought it to my attention, that although I always claim this is my back-up plan, it has become so important to me that it is gradually evolving into plan A rather than plan B. In order to protect myself from disappointment I have begun to prepare a bit too seriously for bringing up a baby on my own. I have become so self sufficient and independent of men that despite all my moaning about wanting a boyfriend, when it comes down to it, I am too reliant of my single life that I cannot give it up.
So now I am wondering how much truth there is in what he’s said. I can’t give up my back-up plan because it protects me from becoming too needy and allows me to believe I can cope on my own. But by giving myself this safety net, have I allowed myself to give up the real dream? The dream of a family, and more importantly at the moment, of giving more of myself to someone else and running the risk of becoming vulnerable?
I don’t know whether I will be able to do it, but I think it’s time to give up plan B before it prevents me from living plan A.
With my naïve hopefulness so cruelly crushed from such a young age, and instead of meeting a husband at university, I met a variety of arrogant, alcoholic rugby lads (probably more down to my own poor choice than anything else, but that’s another story!), I eventually accepted the possibility that I may never find my dream man, and consoled myself by forming a back-up plan.
Again, I know it sounds rather depressing that such a young (attractive!!) girl in her mid 20s should be making back-up plans, but as I had been on the husband hunt far earlier than most, perhaps my cynicism and disillusionment hit in earlier too. My back up plan has mainly consisted of living a fun single life, filled with friends, a great career and lots of exciting hobbies and interests – but most importantly is the part where I have a test-tube baby! My friends and family laugh when I tell them this is my plan, and tell me I shouldn’t joke about such things. But the truth is, I am deadly serious. Having a baby is as, if not more, important to me than having a man, and I don’t want to live my life worrying that I might miss out on both of my life’s ambitions. It scares me too much to believe I have to rely on someone else to fulfil my biggest need and would rather live my life knowing that I can take control of this myself – if need be.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have recently become involved with a nice young man, who I shall hereafter refer to as Mr Bridget. Much as I have always wanted a boyfriend, being so used to my single routine, I have been finding it hard to adjust. Also being such a blabber mouth and completely incapable of keeping anything to myself, I have of course, filled him in on all the details of my back-up plan, test-tube baby and all!
Mr Bridget brought it to my attention, that although I always claim this is my back-up plan, it has become so important to me that it is gradually evolving into plan A rather than plan B. In order to protect myself from disappointment I have begun to prepare a bit too seriously for bringing up a baby on my own. I have become so self sufficient and independent of men that despite all my moaning about wanting a boyfriend, when it comes down to it, I am too reliant of my single life that I cannot give it up.
So now I am wondering how much truth there is in what he’s said. I can’t give up my back-up plan because it protects me from becoming too needy and allows me to believe I can cope on my own. But by giving myself this safety net, have I allowed myself to give up the real dream? The dream of a family, and more importantly at the moment, of giving more of myself to someone else and running the risk of becoming vulnerable?
I don’t know whether I will be able to do it, but I think it’s time to give up plan B before it prevents me from living plan A.
13 comments:
Bridget, you're 26!!!! Where the hell does that leave me if you are already resorting to your back up plan?? I agreed with my best male friend when we were 14 that we would get married at 30 if we had failed to find anyone by this age. Seeing as I am 30 this year, we have now agreed to put this back to 35. You have plenty of time!!
Ha ha! I know this really, that's why I realise that I need to snap out of it. By the way, I also had that plan to marry my best male friend if we were both still single at 30, but we ended up getting together in the meantime and it all went horribly wrong! Come to think of it, I hope he realised that plan's off...!
Plan B also requires you find a man, to be the gas tap to your bunsen burner as it were. That in itself requires some serious thinking time.
You don't need a man Huw, you just need to get yourself to a sperm bank! I would just need to save some money - about £1,000 I reckon(?) If not, it is far easier to get some sperm out of a man than it is to get them to marry you - believe me!!!
Yes but that idea's a bit up the shoot if you'll pardon the pun. Haven't you read that the sperm banks are empty? Since baby can now legally trace daddy, the banks no longer get skint youths flogging their wares for the sake of a quick tenner!! So what's plan C Bridge?!
The sperm bank is such a lottery though, pretty much any bugger can walk in. Take a look around your office: how happy would you be to randomly let one of those people be 50% responsible for how your offspring turns out?
I have no comment regarding the ease of sperm ellicting, and will bow before your wisdom on such matters.
You two are really throwing a spanner in the works! I said this was my security blanket and now you won't even let me have that! Realistically Huw, even if I get choose someone to supply me with their sperm they'll probably turn out to be just as bad as the random sperm I pick up from the bank anyway, but this way, I'll never know anything of baby's father's flaws so it won't matter! And I'm sure with my brilliant mothering, it won't matter what the father was like, as I'll be sure to wean any bad personality traits out! And if the sperm banks are empty, I suppose I'll have to go down to Inferno's every saturday night and see what I can find in there to inseminate me! Just a bit concerned about STDs though! And what would my mother say?!
Perhaps she'd advise you to try Rinky Dink?
Might be a slightlier higher class of sperm doner there, although they're a lot more forthcoming at Infernos!
Hmmm Rinky Dink seems to have several meanings. One is that it's Clapham's Coolest Bar, one is that it's a bicycle powered sound system, and lastly it appears to be a family fun centre. I wouldn't advise a kidnapping from the latter Bridge. If you're feeling that desperate call me first. L. x
Perhaps Sister B and Huw should get together - sounds to me that Rinky Dink was more of an invite than a suggestion! ;)
I'm not sure Huw's quite ready to be a father yet though Soul Sister!!
Hmmm, don't think you'd catch me in Rinky Dink: never really been a Hoxton fin type. More of a Frog-&-Forget-Me-Not fellow.
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